I believe one of the most important factors of Alzheimer's is to notice the early signs. Not all memory changes in a person's life means they have Alzheimer's. Some memory changes are temporary such as those that happen when a person loses a loved one or when they are under a stressful situation.
If you have a close relationship with a person experiencing this situation you will be able to notice any drastic changes in their personality. You will know what is normal and not normal for them. One of the major signs I over looked when mom was in the first stages of the disease was the symptom of constantly repeating herself. At first it was once or twice during a visit. She repeated things more often as the disease progressed. Paranoia was another symptom I overlooked. When she believed the insurance agent wanted to have sex with her, or when she thought her car was being stolen I should have known something was very wrong because this was a drastic change in her personality.
Sometimes a person in the first stages of Alzheimer's may continually forget things. They forget to turn off the cooking stove before they leave the house, or have trouble with numbers such as adding and subtracting. Problems of memory, especially short term memory are very common in the first stages. Personality changes such as a tendency to withdraw from social interaction or becoming agitated or irritable are signs.
When these symptoms become repetitive, action should be taken immediately. Family doctors can help some, but they are not equipped to test or evaluate a person with Alzheimer's. If you can locate an institution with behavioral specialists that are trained in the field of dementia, they can assist you tremendously.
If it is determined that your loved one is in the first stages of the disease, you should take action immediately. The most important matter is to have them sign a durable power of attorney while they are still competent enough to do so. This is an important document. It gives you complete control over someones life. You will have to make decisions that will be very difficult later in this disease. An attorney can also help with the laws on real estate, money, and valuables. It's best during this disease to have an attorney available.
Stress on the family can be tremendous. Care givers are usually family members. As time passes and the disease gets worse it may become overwhelming for the family. Fear, guilt, depression are just a few of the burdens that put care givers at risk.
If there is a strong family relationship usually everyone can take a little of the repsonsibility off each other, but as the disease progresses usually there is one person in the family who bares most of the burden. The increasing anxiety and pain in seeing a loved one deteriorate in front of them while they sit helpless can be too much for some.
They will also need help for the guilt they will feel later. It is essential that the care giver maintain their mental stability through each stage of this disease. Even though there is no cure for Alzheimer's, the care giver cannot afford to break down. If they can't afford professional help they should be able to talk to a close friend, minister, priest, or someone they can trust. When you can pour your heart out or just hold someone for awhile it helps to relieve the stress. Remember you are not alone on this journey. There are millions all over the world that feel the way you do.
January 1998 passed quickly. I was still seeing my mother every day. She was still being evaluated by the Medical Center on a regular basis. One of the problems was the disease was progressing faster than the medication could control it.
She never seemed to have a good day anymore. Sometimes after a visit, I would fly into a rage, beating my fist against the dashboard of the car. The anger would be so great in me, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Not all of the visits were bad, there was some humor at times.
Visiting mom on one occasion, I noticed she wasn't wearing her glasses. I asked her where they were. She said she had lost them. The nurse told me they couldn't find them and they had looked everywhere. I searched her room and came up with nothing. We knew they had to be in the nursing home somewhere. When I left, the nurse told me they would keep looking. I contacted her optometrist and he told me not to worry about having a new pair made because being without them didn't seem to affect her vision, besides there would be less chance of her getting hurt if she fell.
Two months after her glasses disappeared I was visiting and noticed she was wearing them again. I asked her where she had found them and it brought no profitable results so I went to the nurses station and asked them. The nurse told me this story. At about the same time my mother lost her glasses the woman that shared her room starting having sever headaches. They took her to the neurologist and he ran tests to no avail. They could not understand what was wrong until one of the nurses aides made the comment that the glasses this woman was wearing might not be hers, but my moms. It was determined that she was wearing my mother's glasses. After they removed them her heaches disappeared.
On another visit, I passed the dining room and noticed a party going on. Some children were visiting from a local school. They were entertaining the residents with songs. The older people were delighted. After the children performed, the activity directory asked a frail old woman to come up. She sang "Let me call you sweetheart." After she finished her song the rest of the residents joined her and they all sang. Like the children, they sang with such honesty and purpose. At that moment, I realized the very young and the very old have so much in common. The have no agenda. No lies, only honesty. No one was in a hurry to leave. No one had any urgent business to attend to. They just enjoyed each other. The residents sang one last song and the children applauded. We lose so much when we don't pay attention to the young and the old. One of them is at the beginning of life's journey and the other at the end. We should listen and watch more.
On another visit, I witnessed another example of innocence. I was sitting with my mother and across from us was an old lady talking to herself. Another family was visiting at the time and with them was a boy about four years old. He walked over to the old woman and started talking to her. The woman held his hand and though neither one of them understood what the other was talking about they both seemed to connect. They were reaching out for each other. Two human beings with a common interest, totally honest. There were no inhibitions, only the need to be with each other. So often with the clutter of everyday life we forget what is important, and allow trivial matters to get in our way.
I remember a quotation my mom once told me. It went, "I felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man that had no feet." On an especially dark day visiting mom, I was feeling sorry for myself. I had an experience that made that quotation come true for me. The weather was cold and dreary outside and inside it wasn't much better. I was listening to mom rattle on about nothing in particular when I noticed a man across the room with his wife. She had Alzheimer's, and I could tell by looking at him he was having a bad time. He held her hand, she would pull it away. At other times she would hold on tight to him. When he was ready to leave, the nurse directed his wife's attention away from the door. After he left, his wife ran from door to door with a look of panic on her face. Within a few seconds she was calm again, walking up and down the hall oblivious of the fact he had been there. It was one of the saddest experiences I have ever seen.
After this I had about all I could take. I kissed mom and left the nursing home. Walking through the parking lot, I saw this man sitting in his car, head hung over the steering wheel. He looked up and nodded as I passed. There were tears in his eyes. On the way home, I was listening to the radio. The sad songs seemed sadder. Seeing him crying was like mom's disease had sucked everything out of me. I drove around for awhile, angry with tears in my eyes. The cold turned to rain, and the highway grew long and dark. I finally went home and when I arrived, my wife was waiting at the door. She knew something was wrong. She asked why I had been so long and I broke down. It all came out, the anger, the fear, the hatred. I ran out into the rain screaming into the cold night. Cursing this disease, this thief that had robbed me of my mother. My wife stood beside me on that day and I was so glad to have her. As my tears mixed with the rain on my face, and as I held my wife close a thought came to me. I felt bad because I had no shoes and met a man that had no feet.
It's hard to explain feelings that come to you when you least expect them. You may be washing dishes or driving your car when suddenly the memories come up and you remember how it was when mom was normal. When she held you close and told you the world wasn't as cruel as it seemed. You remember the smell of bacon frying, of plowed earth, and sassafrass roots. You remember the unfailing love of how all your faults were forgiven. These memories seem so far away now.
As the days passed, I received calls from the nursing home. My mom had fall or she had left again. By law, the nursing home has to inform you if anything unusual happens. I noticed every visit how her phsyical and mental abilities were declining. One morning I was leaving for a visit. I asked myself this question: "Why do I visit her so often?" The moment my visit is over she doesn't remember I was there. Why was I putting myself through this pain? Was I doing it so everyone would think I was the good son? Or did I really believe that my going to see her made a difference? She hardly every recognized me anymore. I left for the nursing home. When I arrived mom was walking up and down the hall. I walked up and put my arm around her directing her towards a chair. I asked her the usual questions. Are you sleeping good? Are you eating? Her answers were always yes. Then she would start talking about her mother. I was listening to half of what she was saying when all of the sudden my mother looked at me and said, "David, I'm sorry, I just don't know what's wrong with me." I looked into her eyes and for that instant I knew she was there with me. For that moment my mother had broken through this disease and was with me once again. Before she could get away I reached for her and said, "Mom, I love you." She smiled and said, "I know". Tears filled my eyes as I hugged her. When I let go, she was gone. Her mind was confused again. On my way home I realized why I went to see her so often. It wasn't to impress everyone else because it never really bothered me what other people thought anyway. It was for those precious seconds I had my mom back. I knew that in a little while those moments would be gone, and soon they were.
In 1998, I moved mom to another nursing facility. One with a special Alzheimer's unit. She was transported by the Medical Center and by the time I arrived she was already there. After I signed all the paper work, I took her personal items to her room. All she had now was some clothing and a few family pictures. The glass had to be removed from the picture frames for obvious reasons. All of the doors were locked except one that led into a small court yard. It was a prison.
Unless you have ever been in an Alzheimer's ward, words cannot do it justice. Most residents are wandering around talking to anyone who will listen. Their life has been reduced to its common denominator. Some have lost control of their bodily functions, and though the aids try, it is impossible to keep them all clean.
The world they lived in does not exist anymore. Now my mother was one of them, walking up and down the halls talking incoherently. I realized then any hope of improvement was lost. I knew this would be the last step of our journey. This would be the end. Tomorrow would only bring more hallways and more tears.
