I don't know if there is a God and I don't really care. If there is a reason for this madness I wish I knew what it was. If there is not a reason I can understand. We are not promised a long, healthy life. Some people have more problems than others. Some make their own problems. I believe we have to understand that we have no control over our lives, or the life of anyone else.
The process of watching this disease destroy my mother has brought me closer to my own mortality, and my own mortality does not seem as important as it was before. I have learned from this experience to use the time I have left wisely. Our whole life is about time. We have to be at work or school. We have appointments. We cannot do away with time. You are only young for an instant and in the blink of an eye you are old. Time is not a gift to be given away lightly. Age is only a medium with which we catalogue someone. For my mom time does not exist anymore. Her childhood and adulthood are the same.
When I was young my mother insisted I go to church every Sunday, like it or not. I had to sit through a sermon about a loving God, but he was only loving if you didn't cross him. Those that were disobedient experienced his wrath. I had a lot of questions but few answers. When I finally got the answers they confused me. My mother always depended on her God and her church for support. When times were rough she would pray, and if her prayers were not answered she would assume it was God's will. Later in my life when I began to form my own views on religion, and they did not agree with hers, she would listen and accept my beliefs even though she disagreed with them.
My mom believed in a kind and loving God. Sometimes she would wonder why bad things happend but she never doubted it was God's will. To her God was the supreme authority. When my father died her faith helped her though the bad times. Before I became aware of her illness we would discuss religion. Even though my beliefs were different than hers she would listen. When she did not have the answers I needed we always respected each others ideas.
When Alzheimer's first became noticeable and she knew something was wrong, she became embarrassed around others. The fear that she would slip and say something that didn't make sense frightened her. At that time she was finding it difficult to keep her thoughts organized. One night before mom was admitted to the nursing home we were sitting on the couch and she asked me this question; "David why is God doing this to me?" I didn't know what to say. How do you answer a question like that? I was saved the answer because a minute later she was confused again and asking to go see her mother.
Why did God allow this to happen to my mother? This question has been asked repeatedly down through the ages. Whether you believe in a God makes no difference. No one allowed my mother to get Alzheimer's just as no one can cure her. Life is not predetermined. You cannot arbitrarily say this person will live or this person will die. We have some control how we live our life, and sometimes the way we live our life affects the time we have here, but no one knows when they will take their last breath, and there is no entity that can predict or affect the outcome. This is a difficult concept for some to grasp, but until you do there will be suffering in your life.
I wrote this book partly because I wanted to show there is not only supportive help outside your family, but also there is strength within. We journey through life believing nothing bad will happen to us. We program ourselves to see a future without disease and death. When we finally have to face the reality of the world we are not prepared.
One of the major influences that sustained me through this ordeal with my mother was my belief in the Buddhist philosophy. Buddhism like Christianity has been perverted through the ages so the actual teachings of the masters are not understood. We have to return to the basics of any philosophy and understand the primary teachings of the person that founded that way of life. I like the initials Christians are wearing on their clothes now, WWJD (What would Jesus do?), but I wonder if any of them understand what it means.
I will try and explain the Buddhist philosophy here in plain English. When a person mentions the name Buddha, all sorts of images come to mind. The worship of a man in the squat position. The occult. Satansim. All of these are not true. The Buddhist philosophy is a way of life and can be practiced with any religion or any other way of life. It is difficult to live this philosophy because it calls for a person to live a good lifestyle. This philosophy more than anything except my wife helped me deal with my mother's disease and answered many of my questions.
I will not bore you with the history of the Buddha. The information on his life can be found in any library, but read it objectively. I will try and explain the Four Noble Truths and the Eight Fold Path to Englightenment. The truth of suffering. The truth of the cause of suffereing. The truth of the cessation of suffering and the path to the cessation of suffering. The Eight Fold Path to the middle way consists of right view, right intentions, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration.
The Four Noble Truths:
1. The truth of suffering. All life is suffering. We are all born in pain and more than likely will die in pain. The body starts out young and vital and ends up old and wrinkled. We lose family to dease and death. We are surrounded by hate and jealousy. We are constantly plagued with the desire for money and power. The world is changing even though we don't want it to. Most of our suffering is inevitable. They will happen because of the laws of nature. There will always be suffering.
2. The truth of the cause of suffering. The foremost causes of suffering is craving and clinging. We cling to the impermanent as if it were real. How often do we fantasize about the objects of our desire? Too often our life is monopolized by the desire for money, romance, power, sex, career, etc. This craving and attachment causes suffering.
3. The truth of the cessation of suffering. There can be an end to suffering. It is simple. You identify the causes of suffering in your life and eliminate them. The causes are usually ignorance and attachments.
4. The truth to the path of the cessation of suffering. The way to end suffering is the Eight Fold Path to the middle way. If practiced prudently it eliminates the suffering through mind and body.
The Eight Fold Path to the Middle Way:
1. Right view. Views and opinions that are free from delusions and self seeking. Seeing life and everything as it really is.
2. Right intentions. We should cultivate high and worthy opinions by freeing ourselves from ignorance, greed, and anger to purify our thoughts.
3. Right speech. We are kind, considerate, and thoughtful. Speak the truth. Do not slander. Words can be weapons or they an be blessings. Make yours blessings.
4. Right action. Treat others as you would have others treat you.
5. Right livelihood. You must avoid killing any living things.
6. Right effort. You must have self-control, and undergo constant training.
7. Right mindfulness. Having the right thoughts and doing what you know is right. Living in the now.
8. Right concentration. Meditation. Resing the mind. Concentration is an instrument to attain wisdom.
This is the basic philosophy of Buddhism. A philosophy that has allowed me to take responsibility for my life and actions.
There was times during my mom's illness that I experienced self pity. Why me? Why do I have to be the one to go through all the suffering? Why should I have to visit her at the nursing home and watch her slip away? When I felt like this I would try and meditate. Meditation is good therapy. It can calm your mind, and allow you to stay in the present. There are many books on the subject, but they are all based on the following premise. The act of meditation is focusing your mind on an object for a time period, eliminating all other thoughts. Staying in the now. It allows you to stay calm. It is difficult to achieve, but the benefits are well worth it.
